U-Turn Parenting: It’s Okay to Turn Around

From Today’s: The MOM Initiative, By Linda Tang

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Have you ever had to make a U-turn as a parent?

Maybe you had a moment where you wished you had hit the verbal brakes on your words harder than you did or needed to downshift a gear or two in your tone of voice. Perhaps you over-corrected on a turn by nagging or missed the off-ramp because you didn’t exit a conversation sooner than you should have. As moms, we have countless moments of regret and “would, coulda, shouldas” in our thinking. Even though a moment may have passed and it seems too late to rectify a situation, when we submit to God, He provides the ultimate map and course that gets us turned around so we can head in a direction with clear, purpose and Godly intention.

When it comes to a harsh tone of voice or negativity expressed, we can apologize to our children. An apology with no buts, explanations or anything that diminishes or takes away from the focus that you are sorry while affirming your child’s feelings. “I am sorry. I know that I upset you and I see that you are really sad.” When we offer empathy and affirm what our children are feeling, they relax and become non-defensive because they are receiving understanding and permission to feel their feelings without judgment.

We also need to humbly come before God with a submissive attitude and confess our sin to Him.

In the case of nagging, when we are exhausted from repeating ourselves, which often leads to tension and arguments, suggest a game plan with your child so that you don’t put yourself into frustrating, verbal dialogues that can be trigger points in tempers flaring. I grew tired of reminding my 8 year-old daughter to put what she needed for school inside her backpack and having her forget. I asked her for her ideas. Making a list, she said. Great. I purchased a set of 8×10 sticky sheets and she wrote down what she needed to remember to include in her backpack and we stuck it on the door so she could read the list before leaving.  This has saved me lectures on the way to school where I would break connection with her due to my stress. Finding a system that works for your child puts them in the driver’s seat of being in charge of their responsibilities (when and if appropriate).

For the bigger issues, it’s okay to go back to your child and let him or her know that you thought about the incident or the conversation you might be regretting and are thinking about how you can handle it differently next time, or that you aware that the position you took on the matter might have been ____________ and are praying about it. We are going to falter many times or handle a situation in a way we are not proud of or that we question. That’s actually a great opportunity for change and growth.  “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26). How comforting to know that we can rest in God’s strength and the wisdom that He imparts to give us discernment and instruction. “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into your glory.” (Psalm 73:23-24)

Being honest and vulnerable before our children and God is an opportunity for change and restoration while modeling and practicing submissiveness and humility with our Father. What an example for our kids to witness for their own walk as they grow in faith and how pleasing to God when we succumb to His ways, giving Him an opportunity to transform us into the parents and people He intended us to become.

This summer, as you spend time with your kids with the potential of an increase in U-turns, remember that God is in the passenger seat alongside you. And U-turns are often where He does His best work–in each of us.

 

 

 

 

Proverbs 31 Woman: You May Be Closer than You Think – Guest Blogger: Alexis Hassell

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The Wife of Noble Character: Wrestling with My Identity in Christ

If you have read Proverbs 31, then you might be familiar with verses 10-31, which are devoted to describing, “The Wife of Noble Character.” Even if you haven’t, you might have seen reference to it somewhere because this mantra for Christian women is literally everywhere. At some point in your life, maybe you have wondered: Who is this woman? Is she even a real person? Maybe you have tried to compare her with people you know or have encountered  in your life and even with yourself. I would venture to believe that most of us would think she is the “standard” of what a good Christian woman looks like. If that is true for you then this woman is everything you would want to be, hoped you could be, and is possibly the reason why you might have felt like you don’t measure up.

I can say that for me my journey with the Wife of Noble Character has been full of mixed emotions. Initially, this standard provided me with the groundwork of what a wife could be expected to do for her family and husband. In this department I need all the help I can get. So I got the crazy idea that I would write out this passage on my best paper in my best penmanship. I figured if I had it visibly as a constant reminder then maybe I would never forget what I should be doing. So I did just that. After I finished, I scoured my house looking for the perfect frame. None were good enough, so I vowed that I would buy one that was worthy the next time I was out running errands. I wish I could tell you that I had it hanging up in my home in no time. Unfortunately, my good intentions were short lived. I never bought the frame and there the paper sat. It sat just like my efforts to become this woman.

Years passed by and I pursued other avenues to assist me in becoming a better wife and mother. I went to seminars, took classes, consulted friends, and read books. You get the idea. I revisited the Wife of Noble Character from time to time, yet I didn’t find myself feeling that same enthusiasm. To me she had become the impossible standard, a nemesis actually, and a reminder that I didn’t live up to the expectations. The words of the passage that mentioned about getting up “while it is still night to provide food for her family,” echoed within, confirming that would never be me. I have always been a difficult riser and could never get up early let alone provide food for my family. My kids are very familiar with getting their own breakfast in the morning because Mommy has a hard time getting it together. Other words referencing “(that she) does not eat the bread of idleness,” only further highlighted my inadequacies. Forget eating an occasional slice of that kind of bread; I was probably eating loaves of it. Some days I would be successful but other days I was consumed by the weariness of responsibility. Many other verses in the passage condemned me as well. I felt like a failure. My heart sank and had convinced myself, why even try, this will never be you. I resolved to be good enough and instead, worked on accepting myself for who I was. So I prayed that God would do the same and resolve in me these feelings.

Months passed by and I grew discontented, I wanted more of myself and I wanted more than what I was seeing. At the very least, I wasn’t going to give up trying like I had wanted to before. And God was working inside of me. My heart was changing. I figured out a way to get up early; I was waking up at 6am every day.  I did see the value in waking up early, something that had been a mystery for so many years. This small act became a big miracle for me. I quickly realized it wasn’t ever really about me becoming an early riser because that was what the Wife of Noble Character did. God in His wisdom was teaching me something more important. God was giving me a victory and a glimpse of hope that things could be different. They could be better. Then a few months ago my eldest daughter had opened the Bible and asked my husband to read it. I had been sitting on the couch next to them with our youngest daughter. He read the words describing The Wife of Noble Character. Hearing those words read aloud that day, pierced my heart like a double edged sword. And without warning, my husband uttered the words, “That describes your Mommy” to our daughters. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing my husband say! I knew if he had taken a closer look at each of those verses, he would have known that that didn’t possibly describe me. They just didn’t. I mean how could they? But to him it didn’t matter if I did exactly what “she” had done. It was something he had seen inside “me.” It was the heart of the Wife of Noble Character. Again, it was the hope of something better.

My eyes and heart had been refreshed by God’s faithful work; I was convicted that the Wife of Noble Character represented something greater than a standard to emulate. Her greatest purpose is that she is and will always exemplify the woman who follows after God’s plans for her. These are her own individual plans that God had developed for her specifically. She isn’t following the way that she thinks she should because it’s what she thinks is best. What’s more, do you notice that it doesn’t mention that she is doing what everyone else is doing, or that she spends her time comparing herself to others, or that she is following a standard that society has set for her?  No, she is focused, driven and confident to stay on the path set out before her. She pursues it and doesn’t take her eyes off of the prize for one second. She knows what she has and is content but she also does whatever she can to keep it, to maintain it, to appreciate it. And something ahead of her is guiding her steps.

So I ask you, who is the Wife of Noble Character? It isn’t just her or someone else. It is YOU; each and every one of you has the ability to accept this identity in Christ today. I challenge you, if you already haven’t, to find your own path. Not in just any direction but the one that God has designed for you personally, the one that is the very best for you and your family. Don’t worry that it may be different than everyone else. Keep your eyes off of others and you will do just fine. The first step is taking one step and putting your foot right in front of the other. It might seem scary, but I promise you, it will all work out better than you could have ever imagined. And if you are looking for proof, take another look at the Wife of Noble Character.

Alexis Hassell is mom to two daughters, ages 6 and 4. She lives in Westlake Village, Ca with her daughters & husband, Kris. She has a strong passion for learning new things and a love for the Lord.  God has used this passion & provided the opportunity for her and her husband to homeschool their girls this past year…a journey to which they hope to continue on with in the years ahead.